Decisions

It seems that the only time I blog is when I'm feeling emotional or pissed off or sad. In fact, my husband told me that I shouldn't blog anymore because people would think that my life really sucks. I told him I'd blog if I damn well pleased, and that if he had something to say about it he should start his own blog.

Anyway, here I am. I've been away for quite some time. In that time, I've managed to get knocked up and turn 32 years old. In that order. I am about 5 and half months now. And this pregnancy is so different from my first. With Sofia I was always checking the internet to see what was happening in my baby's development stages. I was always obsessing about my registry. I was always doing SOMETHING with respect to the baby. This pregnancy? Not so much. I spend most of my days working and just trying to get through the day and keeping up with Sofia, who is now 2 and half. In some ways I feel a little guilty for not thinking as much about the fetus, but in some ways I think it's good. At least I don't have the stress of not knowing what to expect. I think that's what a lot of what it was with Sofia. It was all big unknown. Pregnancy and mommyhood. Not that I have it all figured out, but I at least have an inkling of what I'm in for.

So my husband just got a job offer in San Antonio. And now my life feels like someone flipped it upside down. Part of me wants to jump for joy and move in a heartbeat to be near my family and not work and have this baby. The other part of me wants to cry all the time and freak out about selling our beautiful first house (in a crappy market) and having to move in with my parents in San Antonio until we sell the house. And losing my health insurance and having to go on my husband's. And losing our second income. And living with all this uncertainty. What if he hates his job? What if I'm just as lonely there as I am here? I haven't lived there in about fourteen years. What if we can't buy a great house somewhere with good schools? And I swear, I've cried everyday since Wednesday (the day he got the offer).

But it's a good career move for him. I couldn't care less about my career really. I'm serious. The only thing I'll miss is the money. We'll still be living on less than what I even make. I'll have to defer all my student loans. How do people make these decisions? One of my friends just moved from the Woodlands to Austin because her husband got a job there. They wanted to be closer to her family, but once they moved, they hated it and now they're back in the Woodlands.

I think we'll end up doing it. I just have to come to terms with it. I feel like I have the baby blues early with all the crying I've been doing lately. If we make the move, he starts March 10th. So not only is this an insanely tough decision, but we're super pressed for time. We even had a realtor come look at the house today.

And something that really scares me? Is this staying at home business. As much as I really really really want to do it, it scares the shit out of me. All day everyday with not only one kid, but two kids. On a tight budget. How do moms do it? How did my mom do it? She had five freakin' kids. Won't I run out of ideas of things to do? Won't my kids hate me because I'm so darn boring? Will I turn into a wicked witch of a mommy who constantly yells? Wait, I might be one of those already. So many things to think about...