GUILT

I started back at work on Thursday. It was sooooo hard leaving Sofia in the morning. I made sure her diaper bag was packed and had clothes out for Robert to dress her in in case they went out. I just wanted to kiss her and kiss her and kiss her. She was still sleeping when I left. Robert assured me he would take good care of her.

Then, of course, my first day back was a lot of nothing. I spent most of the day cleaning out my email inbox. The only worthwhile thing I felt like I did was pump breastmilk. This pumping thing, while not hard, will still be a challenge, especially with my days getting busier as time goes on. First, he mother's room is way across the building for me. Then it's a first come, first served type thing so sometimes it's occupied when I show up. And I either have to wait until that person is done (and if they just started it will be a good fifteen minutes) or trek back across the building and trek back for a few minutes. It sucks. Then the pumping is relatively easy, but the cleanup part sucks. The Medela pump in style has all these parts that need to be cleaned after you pump, and there is no sink in the mother's room, so I have to trek back to my part of the building, go to the break room and clean the parts as best I can, then go back to my desk to lay the parts out to dry. All this and still try and get through my day of meetings and regular work. The building that I work in is off-site the actual center where most of the employees reside, so I often have to drive to meetings anyway. This pumping three times a day will definitely be a challenge...I thought about buying extra parts to bring to work for pumping (so I wouldn't have to wash as many things), but that's just more shit I would have to lug around, and the pump and my purse is plenty!

The weird thing is, work actually feels like a vacation compared to taking care of Sofia. And I feel incredibly guilty about this. I spend all day reading email and reviewing stuff and working on projects, with the occasional bullshit session here and there. Sofia requires much more attention and time. I actually had energy to clean up some when I got home from work. But then all I wanted to do was hold my baby. So I have all these mixed feelings. Robert was great taking care of her, but how will I feel when we have to leave her with the daycare people? I feel so much guilt and sadness about this.

I bought more clothes and shoes yesterday. I'm still stuck buying bigger sizes which sucks. Even buying shoes is trickier. I have to buy a half size bigger than what I'm used to.

I'm also going a little crazy because, since I returned to work, I have been trying to nurse my baby as often as she wants because I don't want her to start rejecting me for the bottle, which she now gets three times a day with the exception of weekends. Well, the past few days she hasn't wanted to nurse much in the middle of the night (I had been nursing her lying on my side and half asleep when she would wake up), and my breasts are painful and feeling like they are about to burst in the morning. Is she just "sleeping throught the night" now or is there a problem? Also, even when she nurses in the evening she acts frustrated at the boob sometimes. All this just since I've gone back to work. It's a bit frustrating for me.

I really wish I could just be with her all the time. At least I have all day with her today...