Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Baby Blues

Robert's taking a nap with Sofia. I just woke up. I'm trying to hurry up and get something down here because she will be waking up soon and "babyzilla" will be at it again with the screaming for the boob. She's been asleep for over two hours.

Tomorrow is her two-week checkup, so we'll see if she's gained weight. I'm terribly paranoid about this. I hope she has. At her one week checkup she was 0.04 ounces below her discharge weight. The doc said this was okay, and as long as she kept eating she should be fine and gain weight accordingly. Sofia has since been eating from the breast and actually latching on, so I hope she has gained.

I have been having some vicious hormonal mood swings. All I can say is the baby blues have attacked me something fierce. I never thought they would. In fact, I naively thought all this baby stuff would be a lot of puppy dogs and rainbows, but boy was I wrong! Robert goes back to work on Thursday, and I'm terrified. One of my friends from work came to visit for lunch today and stayed for a while, which was nice. I'm just worried about being lonely, and I feel really guilty for worrying so much about myself when Sofia needs me 100%. I'm scared of having to carry her and change her diaper, feed her, rock her, etc all by myself. I'm worried about driving with her in the car all by myself. I worry about how I'm going to do it when I go back to work and how hard it will be to leave her. I wonder how I will manage to leave work on my lunch break to breastfeed her and how trying it will be to pump several times a day. I know I'm just a big baby, but it's true. I also know that it will get easier with practice and who knows, I may be a good mom just yet.

Then I'm perpetually worried that I'm not breastfeeding her correctly, which is stupid because she is peeing and pooping like she gets plenty. I worry about switching her enough at the boobs so that my milk supply is even. I worry about the day I will have to breastfeed her in public, which may just be tomorrow since, not only do we have her two week checkup, but mine as well. So she'll be out of the house for quite some time. Thank God, Robert will be with me. I'm actually thinking about going to a La Leche League meeting to see if they can put some of my fears to rest. But I know it's too soon to take her places. Does that count?

I hope I can overcome all this stuff, because I want to be the best mom there is for my baby. I love her with all my heart.

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